


Lonely Celebrations

by StevetheIcecube



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Mistletoe, Past Character Death, Post-Dragon Age II, Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 16:23:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17145110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StevetheIcecube/pseuds/StevetheIcecube
Summary: Hawke always celebrated the First Day. Initially with his family, and then with his friends. But after Kirkwall, there isn't really the space to celebrate the holiday. Hawke and Anders celebrate in their own way instead.





	Lonely Celebrations

**Author's Note:**

> First Day is literally a holiday for checking that your family is still alive. Rip Hawke family.

First Day had always been a pretty turbulent time of year for Hawke. In his childhood, the First Day was one of the only days of the year when they attended a Chantry service, because the confusion that was usually directed at his family because they didn’t often attend would have drifted into concern if they didn’t celebrate such an important holiday.

That said, he’d never enjoyed it. Their festivities at home had been overshadowed by the inevitable service where he and his father and later Bethany would hold their breath as a Templar passed, just in case they could feel magic in the air. It had been a miserable way to spend what was meant to be a joyful holiday.

That said, when the festivities dwindled from five to three in the course of one very difficult year, and then three dropped down to two and before long became one, Hawke often found himself wishing for the simpler times of just plain old fear. Grief on the First Day was much worse.

He had his new-found family, of course. The First Day had been spent with all kinds of people (usually helping Anders in the clinic, after a point, but a lot of the time it was spent at one tavern or another) doing all kinds of things (well, the day usually ended with copious amounts of drinking). But it wasn’t the same as having a family day of sorts.

Hawke had never realised at the time how much he’d miss it. He would have tried a bit harder to enjoy it if only he’d known what it would become.

This year was different, though. Because this year...the last two months had been quite the struggle to survive. Constantly moving from place to place, sometimes with other apostates in tow but usually not. Right now, it was just the two of them against the incredibly cold world. A cold world that had probably thought the Mage-Templar War or whatever they were calling it now would have been over within weeks.

This year’s First Day was, therefore, spent travelling. Because no one travelled on a day like today, and the Templars tended to take a day off to recuperate and go back to smiting everyone in sight the next day.

And that was where the day that was meant to be a celebration found them. Trudging their way along a path through Ferelden woods, the snow falling all around them and firmly entrenched in Hawke’s hair, beard, every single fold of his cloak, and not to mention the snow on the ground that almost reached his ankles every time he stepped down.

The only small mercy was, perhaps, that the ground was snowy and not icy. When the snow melted and froze and melted and froze again, that was when it would be difficult to move. That was why they needed to get travelling done now, while the snow was still fresh.

They walked in silence, using their staffs (there was little point hiding that they were mages, not anymore) to trek through the snow. It wasn’t really a companionable silence, and Hawke felt profoundly...lonely. Sure, a lot of his First Day celebrations had been spent with Anders, but this was so different to that.

Even though he technically had more allies now than he’d had before, seeing as he was fighting a war which spread almost the length and breadth of Thedas (Ferelden and the Free Marches had been worst hit, but they’d received news it had spread to Orlais), but he still felt more alone than ever. Even though he had more allies than ever, he had so many more enemies now.

He supposed he just hated that when they reached the next village, they wouldn’t be able to stop. Anders would go around the village, with both their staffs, and Hawke would go in and see if he could find a shop or vendor selling some food they could eat. He might gauge public opinion on mages and the war, see if there was anywhere nearby where they could have some shelter for the night, but getting accurate information was so difficult for a stranger and he didn’t have the kind of money to throw bribes around.

“I wish we could celebrate,” he said, breaking the steady rhythm of the silence between them. He’d feel better for having a conversation, at least. Less lonely, even though he’d never been alone.

“There’s hardly anything to celebrate,” Anders said, glancing around himself at the trees, laden down with snow. “It’s freezing, we have nowhere to stay, and we’re unlikely to be the only ones.”

“But we’re free,” he said. “The first First Day of that.” He and Anders had already discussed how this war made them feel less free than they’d felt in the relative anonymity (or maybe just untouchability, in Hawke’s case) of Kirkwall. But Anders looked so miserable and Hawke just wanted to cheer him up a little.

“Hardly,” Anders said with a short chuckle. “I’m sorry for this, Hawke,” he said. “I know you wanted to celebrate. Do what you always do, getting drunk and existing around people who are all unashamed of you. Instead you got this, with me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Anders,” he said firmly. Sure, it wasn’t a great time and he felt pretty awful, but at least he was alive. And here, alongside Anders, fighting for something they both believed in. “Truly.”

“I’m sure you noticed, but I never really celebrated First Day,” Anders said. Hawke nearly scoffed, because he didn’t need to be told that twice. Anders would spend the two weeks running into First Day telling all the people who visited the clinic that if they needed to come back for an issue then he was open as often as he could manage, and yes that included on the First Day.

Half of Hawke’s First Days after meeting Anders were spent helping him in the clinic on that day. And Anders would never mention the holiday at all - even if people wished him a good First Day, he’d brush it off, and when Hawke left for the festivities he took part in, he never came with him no matter how many times he was invited.

“The Templars loved and hated it in equal measure in the Circle,” Anders said. Inevitably, this would be another sad story about the abuses of the Circle, but it wasn’t something Hawke would ever stop Anders from talking about. He knew how important it was for Anders to have a voice, to feel heard.

“They would drink a lot, because people do, and bemoan not being able to visit their families, and then when they were drunk they’d probably find someone to pick on,” he said with a sigh. “It was never a happy time for the rest of us. I just never...got the appeal of it.”

“My family did it because everyone else did,” Hawke said. “It wasn’t much of a fun holiday, honestly. But I miss all that, you know? Today feels pretty lonely because of them being gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Anders said again. “I really can’t replace them.”

“You don’t need to,” Hawke said, and then he remembered the sprig of leaves and berries he’d picked off a plant a few days before when he’d spotted it. He’d shoved it in the pocket of his coat, so if he just reached around, he might be able to find it.

When he did, he crowed triumphantly. Anders looked around in surprise, a slight look of concern on his face. Hawke whipped the sprig of mistletoe round and dangled it between them. Anders smiled, and obliged. His lips were chapped from the cold, but so were Hawke’s, and sure, it was cold and stopping for this wouldn’t help, but...he’d wanted to.

“I don’t need anyone here but you,” Hawke said firmly, after he’d finally pulled away. He was pretty sure they’d both needed that. “If I have you, I can get through endless holidays that there isn’t really a point in celebrating.” When they started walking again, Hawke switched the hand he held his staff in as he used the other to hold Anders’ gloved hand in his.

Sure, First Day wasn’t what he’d wanted it to be this year, not exactly, but it never really had been in the past. That said, he got the distinct feeling that from this year onwards, they were heading in the right direction.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :) please leave a comment if you enjoyed. Also, if you happen to be much of a Nintendo fan, I wrote three other holiday-themed fanfics so check them out if you want!


End file.
